WHATEVER HAPPENED TO OZZIE AND HARRIET: PART TWO – TROPHY SPOUSE

So last night there was a dinner/event at the college president’s house here at the wife’s school. I think the best way to describe my experience of the evening may be to give a bit of a timeline. The clock begins at 5:30…

5:30 :: I sit in my underwear and socks in the kitchen. The wife is giving me a long-overdue haircut with the old clippers. I still need a shave and will have to shower the shorn hairs off. But, I must look respectable, so here I am.

5:40 :: Haircut is successfully completed. Jump in the shower and shave quickly while the wife picks out some clothing for me to wear so that I can properly fulfill my role as trophy spouse.

5:50 :: Get dressed in the pre-selected clothing and try out multiple shoes before settling back on the combat boots. Always the best choice anyway…

6:00 :: Leave.

6:05 :: Arrive. Drop off the wife at the president’s house and follow parking instructions from the multiple security officers directing people to park in very [if not overly] specific manner.

6:10 :: Walk through the president’s front door along with a swarm of students recently dropped off by the college van. They – as college students tend to do – are quite literally swarming, surrounding me and getting far too close for my comfort. At the door there is nametag-lady looking to make sure everyone is appropriately labeled and the wife is nowhere to be seen. I successfully dodge nametag-lady and stand awkwardly in the foyer scanning the area for the wife.

6:12 :: Successfully locate the wife and snake through, between and around the still swarming students to the wife. She, unfortunately, has in fact retrieved my nametag from nametag-lady. I put it on.

6:15 :: Stand around awkwardly and envy the glass of wine the wife has already obtained.

6:20 :: Obtain glass of wine while continuing to stand around awkwardly.

6:25 :: Attempt to engage in conversation with the wife and her colleagues. Do a mediocre job of this, thus leading to more of the standing around in an awkward-like manner.

6:30 :: Engage in a brief and uncomfortable bit of discussion about local congressional campaign with another faculty husband. We are both quite clearly uncomfortable with the environment. Share small joke about said discomfort and allow conversation to peter out.

6:35 :: Dinner is announced as beginning, but since it is a buffet and there are not any tables and there are a good seventy-five people here I am unable to eat. It is not that I can’t eat due to any physical limitation based on the manner of eating involved, rather I am a neurotic and seem to be unable to eat at cocktail parties and the such. The very thought of doing so is enough to send me into a tizzy of nervousness and hand wringing. I think it is come strange offshoot from the idea of claustrophobia, but I have never really bother to suss this one out. Thus I do more awkward standing about while everyone else does a further bit of swarming getting into the buffet line, selecting appropriate foodstuffs to consume and then finding temporary locations for consuming dinner.

6:40 :: Obtain second glass of wine.

6:45 :: The wife returns and we find a relatively secluded couch on which to sit.

6:50 :: More people find our region. One of the wife’s colleagues enters – the one who recently broke his elbow – so I give up my place on the couch so he can sit and actually be able to eat his dinner – his inability stemming from physical limitation unlike my purely psychological problem.

6:51 :: Initiate more awkward standing about since I am now not only the only one not eating, but also the only one in the room standing up. Vaguely attempt to join conversations a couple of time, but mostly just listen in and nurse the glass of wine.

7:10 :: Odd little semi-inspirational speeches from department chairs meant to make students think and stuff. Obtain another glass of wine while standing out of the way.

7:20 :: Retreat to the stairs with another faculty spouse and talk digital stuff a bit while desert is being retrieved by the again swarming masses. Further references are made regarding my neurosis. Share another small joke-like thing about faculty spouseness.

7:40 :: Dinner/event is now wrapping up. Join the wife as she is chatting with a student. The wife offers the student a lift to her car on campus. Initiate process of looking for our coats.

7:49 :: Find coats.

7:50 :: Leave, now with three students in tow. Walk to car and clear space in the pit of a back seat for afore mentioned students. Drive them to their car,

8:00 :: Head off in search of something for dinner since I – due to previously discussed neurosis – did not eat at the dinner/event.

So… I think that pretty well describes the evening. I will not continue through the rest of the night. Eventually I fell asleep on the couch and was rather annoyed at being forced to move by the wife – although she was remarkably kind about it and put up with me calling her a “bad elk" for making me get up.

But all in all I think I quite successfully negotiated the first official appearance as trophy spouse in something other than a purely departmental event.

[Gives self a pat on the back]