RANDOM THINGS
Today, gentle readers, we will learn a little bit more about the narrator, i.e. me. I lack the stamina to write what I am really thinking of writing, so I shall substitute a peak behind the curtains, a little behind the scenes glimpse into the so-called psyche of your faithful writer. This evening I shall offer you three obscure facts.
Fact One:
I have a cactus named Phallus. The wife and I bought Phallus when I was moving into my first apartment in Des Moines – during the days of great distance. We found Phallus at the Home Depot in West Des Moines – for those of you who do not know that area: 1] count yourselves lucky, and 2] it is essentially a shockingly long strip-mall, one that made me feel a bit squeamish the entire first year of my exile. Anyway, we found Phallus at the Home Depot, and I knew right away that that was his name – I name all of my plants. In fact, that was why we purchased Phallus. I mean, who could resist having a cactus named Phallus. So, I have had Phallus for just about four years now, and he has grown rather larger than he used to be. Some day I should probably re-pot him; the wife and I think it would be rather clever to have a Phallus larger than either of us.
Fact Two:
I have a bear named Nony. Actually, that is a nickname; his full name is Anonymous Bear. I found Nony after a Halloween party at the Cranbrook Academy of Art – I am pretty sure it was the Fall of 2001. Someone had come to the party as a Mike Kelly sculpture. Since I had been one of the people throwing the party, I had to go back to the party site the next morning to clean up and deal with the recycling. That was when I found Nony – though that wasn’t his name yet; it took a few days to find his name. He was in a corner of the lounge smelling of beer and cigarette smoke, but I am pretty sure he was neither drinking nor smoking: he is a somewhat clean-cut bear. After setting the lounge right I took Nony home and gave him a bath. He has been with me ever since. I sleep with him most every night I am not with the wife, and some nights even when we are in the same place. I am very glad to have found Nony; he is a rather good bear.
Fact Three:
I collect random things. I mean, I have some very odd stuff. I have six paint-by-number Last Suppers, an odd blue-leather stuffed poodle, an array of needlepoint kitchen scenes, and this, a Jesus TV lamp. I generally keep Jesus Lamp on my bedside table for reading and the like. Jesus Lamp is one of my favorite random purchases. To be honest, I am perpetually enamored with the random crap we have made/consumed in this country. I find Jesus Lamp simultaneously distressing and charming. I am pretty sure there are better ways to remember one’s savior than a decorative lamp for atop a console television, but who am I to say. I just like having My Own Personal Jesus, a kitschy little piece of heaven.
Thus, dear readers, you have your three random facts about the narrator. Tomorrow, I shall write what I had intended to write this evening, that piece of exposition with a purpose that I could not muster the energy for tonight. Hence, I leave you with slightly more knowledge than you had a moment ago.
Fact One:I have a cactus named Phallus. The wife and I bought Phallus when I was moving into my first apartment in Des Moines – during the days of great distance. We found Phallus at the Home Depot in West Des Moines – for those of you who do not know that area: 1] count yourselves lucky, and 2] it is essentially a shockingly long strip-mall, one that made me feel a bit squeamish the entire first year of my exile. Anyway, we found Phallus at the Home Depot, and I knew right away that that was his name – I name all of my plants. In fact, that was why we purchased Phallus. I mean, who could resist having a cactus named Phallus. So, I have had Phallus for just about four years now, and he has grown rather larger than he used to be. Some day I should probably re-pot him; the wife and I think it would be rather clever to have a Phallus larger than either of us.
Fact Two:I have a bear named Nony. Actually, that is a nickname; his full name is Anonymous Bear. I found Nony after a Halloween party at the Cranbrook Academy of Art – I am pretty sure it was the Fall of 2001. Someone had come to the party as a Mike Kelly sculpture. Since I had been one of the people throwing the party, I had to go back to the party site the next morning to clean up and deal with the recycling. That was when I found Nony – though that wasn’t his name yet; it took a few days to find his name. He was in a corner of the lounge smelling of beer and cigarette smoke, but I am pretty sure he was neither drinking nor smoking: he is a somewhat clean-cut bear. After setting the lounge right I took Nony home and gave him a bath. He has been with me ever since. I sleep with him most every night I am not with the wife, and some nights even when we are in the same place. I am very glad to have found Nony; he is a rather good bear.
Fact Three:I collect random things. I mean, I have some very odd stuff. I have six paint-by-number Last Suppers, an odd blue-leather stuffed poodle, an array of needlepoint kitchen scenes, and this, a Jesus TV lamp. I generally keep Jesus Lamp on my bedside table for reading and the like. Jesus Lamp is one of my favorite random purchases. To be honest, I am perpetually enamored with the random crap we have made/consumed in this country. I find Jesus Lamp simultaneously distressing and charming. I am pretty sure there are better ways to remember one’s savior than a decorative lamp for atop a console television, but who am I to say. I just like having My Own Personal Jesus, a kitschy little piece of heaven.
Thus, dear readers, you have your three random facts about the narrator. Tomorrow, I shall write what I had intended to write this evening, that piece of exposition with a purpose that I could not muster the energy for tonight. Hence, I leave you with slightly more knowledge than you had a moment ago.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home