CAPITOL HILL, WASHINGTON D.C.

Yesterday, in a bold move during the Senate Intelligence Committee confirmation hearing for General Michael Hayden – the nominee for the position of Director of the Central Intelligence Agency – the Bush administration rolled out its new comprehensive policy initiative. Bypassing a more traditional presidential speech or an announcement from the new Press Secretary, the announcement came in the form of Senator Pat Roberts’s [R-Kansas] opening remarks – showing renewed cooperation between the White House and Congressional Republicans.

Roberts used concerns about recently discovered NSA activities as a means to present the Bush administration’s new effort – the “At Least You’re Not Dead Initiative.” Roberts stated, “I am a strong supporter of the first amendment, the fourth amendment, and civil liberties; but you have no civil liberties if you’re dead.” Both the administration and Congressional Republicans believe that this bold new plan will be applicable to nearly every voter concern, and will have far reaching implications for the upcoming mid-term elections.

One source offered a litany of applications for the new initiative, including:

“I understand that you need medical care you cannot afford, but at least you’re not dead.”

“I realize that your tour of duty was scheduled to end two years ago, but at least you’re not dead.”

“We recognize that no person could support themselves on the current minimum wage, but at least you’re not dead.”

Another official suggested that this policy may be most effectively used to address the recent rash of scandals that has plagued the Republican Party. “It could be worse than having your Representative under indictment; you could be dead.” The official also emphasized that while this new strategy should be effective for most congressional misconduct, it would probably have its limitations when used to counter murder charges.

Some insiders consider this to be the most significant initiative to come from the White House since the “Mission Accomplished” declaration of 2003, explaining that this new program will give both the President and Congressional Republicans a revitalized platform for reframing their recent difficulties.

The same insiders cited both initiatives as impeccable examples of successfully using the Humpty Dumpty Gambit. [“When I use a word,” Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful tone, “it means just what I choose it to mean – neither more nor less.”]

There has been no official response from the Democrats, but one staffer pointed out the similarity to the moderately successful campaign slogan used by the Bush team during the 2004 election: “He may be incompetent, but at least he isn’t Cheney.”